Baby Girl...

Hannah,
I hope you know, and I mean really, truly know, how much your daddy and I love you. We love everything about you (except for the occasional shrieking-that we can do w/ out). Sometimes when you're sleeping we just stare at you and maybe, just maybe, we'll brush your hair off your forehead. And then we talk in whispers about how blessed we are and how we can't believe we made someone as spectacular as you.

Today your daddy went away for an overnight trip to Ohio to look at a carwash for sale. We really really really hope we get it. I want you to know everything we do, we have you in mind. There is not a single decision we make that doesn't involve you. You are the only single reason your daddy is getting out of the Army. He doesn't want us to have to move around with you and have you move to different schools. He wants you to be close to family and I agree.

We thought we were so complete until you were born. Now we wonder how we managed without you. Even when you decided sleeping in the night is not for you anymore, we love you :) I like getting up with you and having you snuggle into my neck and the way you make little "Eh eh eh eh" noises when you see your bottle. I love how you hold my fingers and put your little hands over mine. I love watching you cuddle snuggle on your daddy--but only on daddy. You won't do it with me. You hold on to his shirt with one hand, as if for reassurance.

I am so very sad that I start back to work on Monday. You will be a week shy of 4 months old and while I realize it a lot more time than most mommies get, it's not enough for me. Your daddy is staying h0me to take care of you. That is the only part that gives me comfort. I cannot imagine leaving you with someone else.

Right now I miss him very much. We pray for you, Hannah, to find a love like we have one day. This will be the longest time we've spent apart since the one day in May for your baby shower. We've never been one of those couples that say "Ugh, I need a break". He is truly my best friend and a wonderful person, little missy. I know you already know that, just from the way you look at him and talk to him...and smile. You have the biggest smiles for your daddy.

Right now you are watching Baby Einstein and letting your milk settle. You've tried rolling over a hundred times today, but basically just roll from side to side. You'll get it, baby girl.

My heart,
Mom

HOW?!

How can I have lost all my pregnancy / baby weight and then some, yet my wedding bands dont' fit? I haven't worn them since the beginning of April and I miss them terribly. I am stuck wearing my cheap-o WalMart band in a bigger size (haha, for pregnancy-induced sizing). Dang it. I want my diamonds back on my finger w/out my finger turning a scary shade of purple.

What to do, what to do....

Josh and I are having a hard time right now. Would appreciate any prayers for what we are to do...his time is drawing near to be done in the Army, but we've had some circumstances come up that we didnt' really expect. Some family issues and such. Anyhow, we're not really sure what's to come, but whatever we decide it has to be soon. Our time is up very shortly. I don't really know what else to write at this point b/c this thought is completely consuming my mind.

Blurbs

Whew, time to update. Life's been hectic and I am NOT looking forward to another 3 day trip w/ Miss Hannah. This time it will be worse b/c Josh is driving the other car w/ the dogs. Great. I had my arm in the backseat the entire time holding her binky in. How in the world am I going to manage that while driving through the WV mountains?!?

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I am sooooo stupid. I have had to completely cut out dairy and peanut butter from my diet. No easy task, believe me. I've been bad the last couple days and I had *gasp* sour cream and cheese on Taco Bell soft shell taco supremes (yum yum), lemon meringue pie, and Lord knows what else. I'm bad, so bad. Hannah was screaming and crying and I'm to blame for that one. I freaking know better yet didn't have the will power to stay away from it. Dang.

But wait, it gets better. I am pumping maybe about 8 oz per day. Crappy, crappy, crappy. Since it's been dwindling we've been using our frozen supply (from all the way back to July). Not until last night did the realization hit me---DUH. Josh said, "Baby, don't you realize all this milk has dairy in it?" OMG, I totally did not even think of that. NO wonder baby girl has been having such a hard time. In my total effort to avoid formula for her, I was giving her the one thing that irritates her. Dammit. So I have to throw out all the frozen milk and give formula now. I am SO sad.

I feel like a failure. I've been taking fenugreek, pumping more and longer, eating oatmeal...it's just not coming up. I feel horrible, like I can't even provide food for my baby. I have nothing against formula, it's a matter of me not being able to provide naturally for Hannah. Damn damn damn. I've cried about it so many times. And it breaks my heart when I give her formula b/c she makes faces, hardly eats...I can seriously tell she doesn't like it. I just feel guilty.

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On a brighter note, today was Hannah's dedication at church! There was another baby being dedicated as well and as much as I hate to say it, it made Josh and I realize how blessed we are. This little girl was born 6 weeks early, had brain damage, and was on seizure medication. I guess worrying about Hannah screaming her head off during the dedication should be the least of our worries. She did pretty good, only crying a bit until she found her fist to suck on. We will truly miss this church and all the people there. It makes me sad to leave them, but I'm ready to be closer to family again.

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I've applied for a couple jobs back in Indiana. Wish me luck on those. I dont want 2nd or 3rd shifts, weekends, or holidays. Who does? I'm tired of working that crap. I would LOVE to be a school nurse but those jobs are hard to come by. I just missed 2 openings about a month ago, dang it. One of the jobs I applied for is a weight management nurse. Don't really know a lot about that field of nursing, but heck, I'll try anything. That's the good thing about nursing--there are SOOOOO many things you can do and you're not stuck in one zone forever unless you choose to be.

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Our trip home was chaotic, to say the least. I'll not ramble w/ our adventures, but suffice it to say THANK GOD WE'RE HOME. Hannah didn't want anyone holding her except Josh and me, my little brother, my mom, and my step mom. With everyone else she screamed bloody murder. Nice. At least we dont' have to worry about her running off w/ anyone :)

Wooo woooo

I've been tagged by Harmony...

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet, current car) Wendy G6
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream, favorite cookie) Butter Pecan Peanutbutter
3. YOUR FLY “GUY/GIRL” NAME: (first initial first name, first 3 letters last name) J-Hen
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) Purple Dog
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born) Barbara Coshocton
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters last name, first 2 letters first name) Henja
7. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink and add” the”) Pink Amaretto Sour the Coke
8. NASCAR NAME: (first names of your grandfathers) James Marvin
9. STRIPPER NAME: (favorite perfume, favorite candy) Happy M & M's
10. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s and father’s middle names) Jean Lee

And now for me to tag 5 people...

I pick...
My mama Barbie Jean
Val at Valerie's Family

Dang, I only know two people off the top of my head. I will get back to this!

Blaming poor Hannah

There are so many things I would love to write about now, but time is short. Imagine that. Just wanted to say that today we went to a friend's house and Josh brought up how Hannah had became the stinky fart queen and how they smell like rotten eggs, all the while holding her up and sniffing, just to check.

On the way home he tells me that she didn't actually do it, it was him and he had to cover it up b/c E got up and walked across the room. OMG. Poor Hannah is getting blamed for her daddy's rankness. First it was the dogs, now it's our baby.

*Sigh*

My in-laws called on Sept. 11 and told Josh that a family friend had been killed in Iraq. He was Josh's age, had a wife my age, and they had a baby that was only a few months old. He was due to come home in approximately a week. My heart just aches for them--I cannot imagine the pain they are going through. Is it selfish to think "Thank God it's not us"? Probably, but it so easily could be. I can't wait for Josh to be finished w/ his time. Officially it's Nov 14, but he starts terminal leave Oct 22. I know there are temptations to staying in (30K bonus, get his E7, etc) but he said family is more important, he wants to settle down and not have to move every few years. If it weren't for the fear of deploying again, I wouldn't be so vehement about him getting out. Josh doesn't mind the deployment but I do. As far as I'm concerned, he's done his time overseas. While I am not a fan of the war, I am a fan of our soldiers. I am so proud of my husband and I love seeing him in his uniform. When people (like the bitch at Target) give him nasty looks while he's in uniform I want to rip their heads off. It's people like him that give her the right to say or do whatever the fuck they want w/out consequences of torture or death or whatever. I hate that. Don't act like you're better than someone who fights for your freedom to run your mouth about things you can't even begin to understand.

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Whew. Enough about that. Hannah slept from 2200-0700 last night!! I cannot fricking believe it!!!! She slept in her swing all night. After an hour of screaming she finally settled down and I put her in the swing. Zzzzzzzzz. Thank you thank you thank you. I woke up at 0400 (habit) and she was still snoozing away. Bing slept in the living room by her all night. He's Hannah's new body guard :) And as I've been thinking what I want to write, it all goes out the window when I actually sit down to do it. Little missy is sleeping again and I tried to fall asleep w/ her but I guess my body's accustomed to the sporadic sleep I've been getting.

Hannah has been sleeping w/ us for a few weeks since it was the only way I could get her to stay asleep. Not a habit I really wanted to start, but hey, when it's the only way I can sleep, I'll take it. Anyways, Josh says to me a couple days ago that Hannah needs to either sleep in her bassinet or her crib. I freaked out and said no way was she sleeping across the house in her crib. So bassinet sleeping it is. She was sound asleep and after putting her down, she of course wakes up like always. So I rock her in the bassinet for over an hour to get her to sleep. Wakes up about 2 hours later. Damn. Normally she lasts at least 4 when she sleeps w/ us. I get up, feed her, change her, etc and she's back asleep. Back in the bassinet she goes. Wide awake at once. Another hour is spent trying to get her back asleep with no avail. Finally, finally, finally....she falls asleep w/ her binky and Josh wakes up and is grouchy as hell b/c she was breathing loud. I got pissed, picked her up, and went to sleep in the guest room w/ her. She was out like a rock for hours after that.
Fast forward to later that night>>>>>

Josh: Is Hannah going to sleep in bed w/ us tonight?
Me: Um, you said no.
Josh: Yeah, I was wrong.

Hehehehe. I have never heard sweeter words. She never made it to our bed since she zonked out in the swing. I am hoping tonight will be a repeat. We tried gripe water for the first time last night and while I didn't see a difference right away, she has never slept like that...ever. I hope she makes a habit of it!!