Whew, time to update. Life's been hectic and I am NOT looking forward to another 3 day trip w/ Miss Hannah. This time it will be worse b/c Josh is driving the other car w/ the dogs. Great. I had my arm in the backseat the entire time holding her binky in. How in the world am I going to manage that while driving through the WV mountains?!?
********************************************************************************
I am sooooo stupid. I have had to completely cut out dairy and peanut butter from my diet. No easy task, believe me. I've been bad the last couple days and I had *gasp* sour cream and cheese on Taco Bell soft shell taco supremes (yum yum), lemon meringue pie, and Lord knows what else. I'm bad, so bad. Hannah was screaming and crying and I'm to blame for that one. I freaking know better yet didn't have the will power to stay away from it. Dang.
But wait, it gets better. I am pumping maybe about 8 oz per day. Crappy, crappy, crappy. Since it's been dwindling we've been using our frozen supply (from all the way back to July). Not until last night did the realization hit me---DUH. Josh said, "Baby, don't you realize all this milk has dairy in it?" OMG, I totally did not even think of that. NO wonder baby girl has been having such a hard time. In my total effort to avoid formula for her, I was giving her the one thing that irritates her. Dammit. So I have to throw out all the frozen milk and give formula now. I am SO sad.
I feel like a failure. I've been taking fenugreek, pumping more and longer, eating oatmeal...it's just not coming up. I feel horrible, like I can't even provide food for my baby. I have nothing against formula, it's a matter of me not being able to provide naturally for Hannah. Damn damn damn. I've cried about it so many times. And it breaks my heart when I give her formula b/c she makes faces, hardly eats...I can seriously tell she doesn't like it. I just feel guilty.
**************************************************************************
On a brighter note, today was Hannah's dedication at church! There was another baby being dedicated as well and as much as I hate to say it, it made Josh and I realize how blessed we are. This little girl was born 6 weeks early, had brain damage, and was on seizure medication. I guess worrying about Hannah screaming her head off during the dedication should be the least of our worries. She did pretty good, only crying a bit until she found her fist to suck on. We will truly miss this church and all the people there. It makes me sad to leave them, but I'm ready to be closer to family again.
*************************************************************************
I've applied for a couple jobs back in Indiana. Wish me luck on those. I dont want 2nd or 3rd shifts, weekends, or holidays. Who does? I'm tired of working that crap. I would LOVE to be a school nurse but those jobs are hard to come by. I just missed 2 openings about a month ago, dang it. One of the jobs I applied for is a weight management nurse. Don't really know a lot about that field of nursing, but heck, I'll try anything. That's the good thing about nursing--there are SOOOOO many things you can do and you're not stuck in one zone forever unless you choose to be.
************************************************************************
Our trip home was chaotic, to say the least. I'll not ramble w/ our adventures, but suffice it to say THANK GOD WE'RE HOME. Hannah didn't want anyone holding her except Josh and me, my little brother, my mom, and my step mom. With everyone else she screamed bloody murder. Nice. At least we dont' have to worry about her running off w/ anyone :)
