Last night

Last night was no picnic. At least the screeching started at 2000 instead of 1900. I just bawled and bawled after Josh went to bed (had to get up early for work). I tried rocking her, walking w/ her, talking to her, frickin' everything. Everything that works for every other baby does NOT work w/ ours. She likes her swing for about 0.25 seconds and her vibratey chair? Forget that.

For the first time in my life, I feel completely and utterly incompetent. This is the one thing I wanted more than anything--to be a mother. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I feel like I"m spiraling downward and not able to rebound. What are we going to do if this Prevacid doesn't work? Because it is seriously not doing a damn thing. I am tired of giving my baby Maalox, but it's the only thing that seems to soothe her for a bit.

Ack. I don't think I'm cut out for this mothering business. I truly, at this point in my life, do not want any more children. I can't handle it.

And yet this morning when she woke up (after giving me a total of 3 hours sleep), she just smiled and snuggled up on me. It almost erases the horrors of the screeching, almost. I lie down, I hear screeching. I take a shower, I hear screeching...and yet she's quiet. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard--a sound you can't get out of your head no matter how hard you try.

Josh's TDY was taken away, so we don't get to go home the last week of September. That blows, I was really looking forward to getting out of this hellhole for a week. Plus I was selfishly thinking that we would have a break for a couple hours a day w/ Hannah. I feel horrible even thinking that.

I'm terrible

I feel awful. Hannah screaming continuously has made me depressed. It is terrible when I know something is wrong but can't fix it and then I get irritated--then I feel extremely guilty for being frustrated. I told my mom yesterday I couldn't do this and didn't even want to be a mom. How's that for shitty-mom-of-the-year-award? She just said I could do it and it's normal to feel like this sometimes.

I never thought being a mom would be so hard. It's even harder right now b/c it's just Josh & I--no family, no friends...no one to give us a couple hours for a break. And yet when I have a few minutes I'm on here typing instead of lingering in the bath tub--that's b/c Hannah is sleeping & I'm afraid she'll wake up when I'm in the tub and I'll have to get out. It's easier to leave the keyboard to check on her!

Catching up

So this past week has been rough. Anyone who says it is normal for a 6-week-old to screech her lungs out for hours on end needs to be castrated (I say castrated b/c more than likely it is a male that dares to utter those words). Miss Hannah started her Zantac on Wednesday but it really wasn't doing anything. Josh and I were pumping her full of Maalox to make her feel better and wow...I feel horrible. She hates medicine time and I feel so mean giving her medicine! How can I have given hundreds of shots to kiddos and not feel nearly as bad as I do giving my baby Maalox?!?! I called her doc this morning and went to pick up her new rx--she started Prevacid today. I am hoping this works for her b/c it breaks my heart to see her hurt like this. She's been sleeping w/ Josh and I lately, just so she can sleep. We are normally against that and I swore up and down I'd never do that (this was before I was pregnant, ha!). Yeah, there were a lot of things I swore I'd never do that I've already done in the past 6 weeks.

Our little chunky monkey is up to 9 lbs 15 oz--wow! She was only 6-2 when she was born. All I can say is Mama has some good milk! YUM! And I am down 31 pounds--I can't believe it!! Only 7 more to go until I reach my pre-pregnancy weight. If I could stay away from the Pringles it might be a tad easier to get there but those things are addicting.

Oh! And Hannah got flowers from her daddy for the first time a couple days ago! Josh brought home flowers for "us" just because we've had a rough week--I love him. He always does something out of the blue to make me feel better. I couldn't ask for a better husband--seriously. He is my best friend, lover, and everything in between.

Let's see, what else is new...

Nothing much. Hannah being sick has taken over my life for over the past week and turned me into a sleep-deprived-scary-haired-nothing-else-to-talk-about-mom. God, is that what my life will be like? I will be one of those moms who has NOTHING to talk about except her children and everyone else around me will be thinking "Someone shut that lady up"!! Don't get me wrong, I love bragging on my baby, but I probably annoy other people. Or it could be my lack of adult interaction now. Besides Josh, NMD is my saving grace. I heart them all!

And today at the pharmacy while waiting for my birth control (NO NO NO NO babies on purpose for a few years!!) this old man looked at Hannah and said to me, "She doesn't miss a meal, does she?" Ha! I should have told him it was a chore to disconnect her from my massive teat, but I just smiled and said, "She likes to eat". Then we got to talking and I forgave him b/c he said I was so "petite" for just having a baby. Anyone who says that to me is forgiven for just about anything these days :)

Another Day

No matter how much I want to read everyone else's blogs, I'm finding it hard to do! I want to and get ready to and then Hannah cries or poops or...well, that's about all she does at this point :)

She has been getting SO fussy lately, especially around 2000-2100. Nothing calms her down--she fights sleep like crazy. She's so sleepy yet screams her lungs out, thrashes around, is quiet for a mere two seconds, and then starts back up. We've done the gas drops, leg exercises, talking, massaging...and quite frankly I don't know what else to except buy ear plugs for myself and carry her around.

I am beginning to dread night time when I used to love it--this is when she slept better. She is sleeping way worse than she was a few weeks ago, which I find to be weird. And now I can't fall back asleep after the first time she wakes up, which turns me into a not-very-nice-person! I think I've said "Dammit" more in the last 4 days than I have in my entire life.

Why oh why do we have to have record breaking heat the summer we live here? Why? I hate the South.

Hannah is now crying and Josh is rocking her but she's still screeching. Unfortunately I think she inherited both of our stomach problems. Great!

Hannah's Birth--***LONG***

Now that Hannah is over 5 weeks old, I figure I better take the time to write out her birth story. I had always been one of those girls who figured they’d absolutely love being pregnant, would gain no more than 10 pounds, and would dress in the utmost stylish maternity clothes. Then I got pregnant and that all flew out the window.

I was sick from almost the moment I found out I was pregnant and it wasn’t just morning sickness. I was sick all day long. I only puked twice, but I had the horrible feeling of a massive hangover that lingered for 9 months. Well, 10. Pregnancy is 10 months, which I never knew until yup, you guessed it…I got pregnant.

By the time I hit 30 weeks, I was more than ready to deliver. Of course I knew that it would not be healthy for little missy to be delivered that early, but I was selfish and tired of being pregnant, mean, and cranky continuously. Being very pregnant in South Carolina in the summer is horrible, extremely horrible. I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy. Um…wait. Yes I would. J

I was SO excited at my 37 week appointment to learn I was 1 cm dilated and 70% effaced! Woo hoo! My doctor said I’d still more than likely last until July 16^th. We had picked July 16^th to be induced because my GBS was positive and I wanted to make sure I got my antibiotics in time (I would have been 39 weeks, 2 days). Another week goes by and at my 38 week appointment I was dilated to 2 cm and 90% effaced—all those Braxton Hicks contractions were making some progress!

Then comes the evening of July 11…I had been having contractions sporadically all day, but that was nothing new. A knock came on our door about 1900 and before I could come out of Hannah’s room to answer it, Josh did. There were two Mormon boys on the porch and Josh invited them in. Of course, my husband would do that. There I was mean and hot and very pregnant and he has guests in the house. Nice. Josh told them from the start that anything they had to say would not change our minds in our beliefs, but they were more than welcome to come in and cool off.

So they venture inside and discuss things with my husband for over an hour. Meanwhile, I’m sitting on the loveseat with all the lovely contractions waiting for them to leave. I gave them bottled water and out the door they finally scooted. I jokingly told Josh that perhaps that would send me into labor. Little did I know…

About 0200 on July 12 I woke up with contractions. I woke up about every hour during those last weeks to use the bathroom, so it wasn’t new to me. These contractions were worse and didn’t get any better. They hurt enough where I could not fall back asleep for the rest of the night. I spent the majority of the early morning hours in our guest bathroom. Whatever may have been in my intestines definitely didn’t last. I had heard that happens sometimes when women go into labor and it was true for me—jeez louise. I waited until 0600 when the alarm was going to go off to wake up Josh. I wanted to be sure these were for real and didn’t want to wake him earlier because if they weren’t the real thing, he would have to still go into work.

Me—“Baby, what do you have to do at work today?”

Josh—“I have some meetings, why?”

Me—“I think I’m in labor”.

Josh—“What? Right now?!?!”

He was ready to leave at that instant, but we both took showers and I made sure I had everything packed that I would need. We left around 0700 and Josh was driving 100 mph down 20 W. I was amazed at how calm I was and couldn’t believe I was actually hoping for contractions on the way, just to reassure myself it was real. When we got to the hospital, I rang the doorbell and the nurse said through the intercom, “Can I help you?” I answered, “Um…I think I’m in labor, but I’m not really sure”.

Josh and I went on up to the 3^rd floor of Providence Hospital Northeast in good ol’ Columbia, SC. They hooked me up to monitors and asked a zillion questions. Dr. Austin came in to check me and said I was 3 cm, 90% effaced—yay! More progress! Normally I would have went home, but I was in some frickin’ pain, plus my GBS was positive, so he asked me if I wanted to have Hannah that day—YES!!! I believe he thought the contractions weren’t “real” because the monitor was not picking them all up consistently—which was stupid because I sure was feeling them. My nurse told him I would deliver in a couple hours for sure. He told me he would come back in a bit to break my water.

I think at this point Josh and I were so giddy with anticipation—well, I was terrified of pushing a baby out, Josh was giddy—we didn’t really know what to do. I told the nurse that I wanted an epidural before my water was broke. It was so hectic on that floor that morning I had three different nurses before my savior nurse took me over as her patient. Dr. Austin came back about and hour later and checked me—I was at 4 cm and 100% effaced. Said he was glad he didn’t send me home—yeah, me too. Thanks! I was still waiting on my epidural and because of how busy they were, it was overlooked. My nurse, Cheryl, was pumping a liter of LR in me so they could do the epidural. Might I add that getting an 18 gauge IV in my wrist hurt more than the epidural. Once I got the epidural it was smooth sailing. I received it about 1145, Dr. Austin broke my water around 1200.

Here is a stupid moment—I have been a registered nurse for over 4 years. Why did I not realize I would not be able to move my lower body after the epidural kicked in? I was driving Josh crazy by making him go down to bend my toes for me J I seriously could not feel a single contraction, which was nice. I could feel Hannah make her way down the birth canal and yet I was still terrified I would feel her crowning. I have NO pain tolerance and the very thought of feeling anything scared the crap out of me.

I was checked again and was at 7 cm when I was cathed. During that process I was on my back and told Cheryl that I really needed to get back on my side because I felt so sick to my stomach. She told me she would check me again because I was probably completely dilated. Yep, sure was. In a matter of a few minutes, I dilated the last remaining centimeters. She told me she wouldn’t have me push yet and would let Hannah make her way down the birth canal with the contractions because it would be a lot easier on me.

There is also a point where you know too much in certain situations. As I was lying there on my right side, I heard the alarm for Hannah’s heartbeat. It was bradying down and so Cheryl put a scalp electrode on Hannah’s head to monitor her heartbeat more accurately. A few minutes later I was still lying there when her heartbeat dropped in the 70’s and did not recover. I panicked and Cheryl came racing in the room. She flipped me to my left side and that did nothing. Next thing I knew, she had oxygen on me and was yelling in the hallway to call Dr. Austin, we had to get the baby out. And then I heard the word “vacuum”—no no no no. Not a word I wanted to hear. She had Josh help her put me on my back and throw my legs up in stirrups and wouldn’t you know—Hannah liked that position much better and her heart beat came up. Josh went into the bathroom to blow his nose and by the time he came out, Dr. Austin was at the bottom of the bed and my nurse was counting as I was pushing.

It all happened so fast! Josh almost missed it. I honest-to-God only pushed maybe eight or nine times and it didn’t even last five minutes. BAM!! Out came little Hannah Abigail. She screamed and screamed and screamed! They didn’t give her to me right away, but I got to touch her. The first thing I said was, “Oh my gosh, she’s so tiny!” Josh and I both cried and I was feeling crummy because she was kept under the warmer for so long. The next words out of my mouth were, “Did I tear bad? Please tell me no!” Haha! I will not go into details, but only needed a stitch. Thank you Miss Hannah for only being 6 pounds and 2 ounces!

It was a great experience and I am so thankful to have had a nurse that knew what she was doing and did not mess around getting Hannah delivered. Thankfully no vacuum was needed. Dr. Austin said to me, “Wow! You went a lot faster than I thought you would!” Cheryl grinned and said, “I told you so!” I was happy his office was right next door to the hospital!

Two days later we took our little dark-haired beauty home to meet the rest of her family, Bing and Trax J

ACK!

I really need to update this, but I haven't had the time. Hannah has decided the past two nights that she does not like sleeping and would rather keep her mommy and daddy up at night. What happened to the waking up at 0230 and 0530 and that's it? She's a hungry little piggy when she wakes up now--even makes the snorty sounds.

Oh, and I found a huge frickin' spider on our back step yesterday. H-U-G-E. I seriously thought it was a dead mouse when I looked at it, but no. It was a nasty spider. And I thought it was dead until I took a picture of it and the legs started moving. OMG. So when I squished it, I was sure to use Josh's shoe, not mine. Hehehehe.

I swear, the next entry I make (hopefully I can do it tonight) will be Hannah's birth story. I really need to type that so I don't forget certain details (as much as I'd like to forget certain ones). There is other things I'd like to type out now, but dang. I can't right now. And 5 weeks post partum. That's all I have to say--and not nearly as torturous as I had envisioned. It's nice to be back in the swing of things!

Sad

I'm sad today. I don't really know why, but I am. I lied in a previous post--I am not liking my body so much right now. My stomach is a lot flatter, but it's so jiggly and I have rolls when I sit. It seriously bugs me to the point where I want to cry. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I can't help it. Everyone else thinks I look wonderful so I have to smile and say "Thank you" but inside I want to cry b/c it's definitely not what I want. I hate that I have it beat in my head to be skinnier and leaner, but I've never had a problem w/ weight & now it's not so easy. This mommy body is definitely that--a mommy body.

I feel so unattractive now. Why can't I see what my husband sees?

Corn Ice, Milk of Magnesia, and Bath Time

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Hannah had her first "real" bath on Thursday night. She LOVED it! She just lied in the water looking around, compared to her screaming her little lungs out continuously like she did w/ the sponge baths. It has taken all this time for her belly button to completely heal up and for me to be comfortable putting her in our tub. We used to do her little sponge baths in the morning b/c she would get so worked up there was no way we could put her to bed after one. Now she's all calm (until we dry her off), so we started the night time ritual and pray every night that her bedtime bath wash does it's magic :)

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To start out, Josh's belly has been hurting him the past couple days so I jokingly suggest milk of magnesia. He seriously wanted to take it, so of course who has to go in the store to buy it? Me. Along w/ Gas-X and a "Dove chocolate bar, just because" (his special request). Wonder what the check out lady was thinking as she zapped my purchases up.

Anywhooooo, we get home, he takes the maximum dose and says to me, "I think I should take more, I don't' think this will do anything". I tell him that he really doesn't need any more, to trust me, it would work. HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. A while later we were getting ready to take the doggies on a walk and Hannah was strapped in her little Snugli harness carrier thing on her daddy. We are in the driveway when Josh got a panicked look on his face and said, "I've got to poop!!" and starts racing inside. I am laughing hysterically at this point b/c poor Hannah is strapped on to him and all I can think is she will probably have to sit through that ordeal w/ him on the toilet.

Once I gained my composure I walked back inside to hear Hannah wailing--and find her in the middle of the bed. I do not know how he managed to unbuckle her, but thank God he did or she'd probably be scarred for life. So he spent the next hour or so hanging out w/ the porcelain god.

Later we are sitting in the living room and he kept farting and I said, "I'd watch that if I were you" and his reply was another blast, along w/ "Nah, I think it's done". Nice. So I retorted, "I hope you crap your pants". Not even 5 seconds later he gets this frantic look and catapults from the recliner and is frantically running to our bathroom, sliding past the door slightly and then I hear the crash of the toilet seat. Apparently he was not "done", hehehehehehehe.

When he finally emerged from the bowels of the bathroom, I was laughing so hard I was crying and poor Hannah kept waking up (I was rocking her) b/c I was shaking around from laughing. I doubt Josh will ever experiment w/ milk of magnesia again--at 0300 I was up feeding Hannah, he was up on the toilet once again. This will definitely be one of those stories I will remember for the rest of my life :)

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I cannot wait for August to be over. I hate this place, hate it hate it hate it. The only decent thing is the winter, but I like the cold weather so that is definitely not going to keep us here. I know, it seems like I can't bitch any more about this state, but I can't help it. I want someone to buy our house and we will go on our merry little way in a couple months!!

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Hannah is a month old today! I cannot believe it...the past month has flew. She's getting so chunky in her cheeks--yesterday Josh and I went to O'Charley's for lunch and a waitress who remembered us from a couple weeks ago saw Hannah and said, "Oh, she's filling out! She's so pretty!" Yep, our little chunky monkey is growing and it makes me sad and proud at the same time. I want her to be healthy, but I don't want her growing up so fast! I told Josh that only 11 more to go until her first birthday, ack!

I am biased, but Hannah is beautiful! I know, I know, that sounds shallow, but it's true. I have seen some u-g-l-y babies (Heck, I was one of them!) and am glad when people tell us Hannah is pretty, it's sincere and not some fake compliment. Plus she is such a good baby (so far) that I told Josh we are not having anymore b/c we'll pay for w/ our next kiddo. They will probably be a screaming spit fire who never sleeps and weighs 15 pounds at birth.

Another day

Another sucky hot humid day in SC...wonderful. I hate to start this off bitching, but it's hard to ignore the scorching sun and blast of fire when you open the door to let the dogs out to pee.

Anywhooooo...Miss Hannah is making out like a bandit lately. She received a package yesterday from my friend Jenn (lots of cool books) and today she got TWO boxes in the mail. One was an embroidered birth announcement my great-aunt made. It was completely unexpected and I love it! The second was from Josh's friend's parents back in Indiana--2 cold weather outfits. I am SO glad we got those b/c she only has about 2 pair of pants and we're moving North in a couple months. Can't exactly deck her out in sun dresses this winter. Tends to get a bit nippy in Indiana.

Right now she is blissfully sleeping in her swing. Maybe not blissfully, she makes occasional grunting noises that resemble a pig snorting and then laughs...who knows what's going on in her little head. She slept so well last night I thought I was dreaming. Ahhh, the peacefulness of 3 hours of sleep at a time for me!

Josh had to get up at 0445 for work and he's still sick from yesterday. Ever since his surgery (back in May) he's had problems. It's been over 2 months so I thought things would be easier by now, but nope. He has no heart burn or reflux symptoms, but sometimes his stomach hurts a lot and he gets nauseated. Threw up a few times yesterday, thank goodness not at home. I can't stand puke. Yes, I'm a RN, and I can't stand puke. Makes me gag every time.

And now a shrill cry from Hannah drags me away...

but she's still sleeping. She does that sometimes, cries out, and when I check on her, she's still snoozing.

I was SO crabby yesterday and about bit Josh's head off. I guess mostly b/c I am nervous about him getting out of the Army--not getting out of the Army, I guess, just the security of the pay check. There is nothing that could make me want him to re-enlist, even the 30K bonus. The only thing that tempted him was the fact he is eligible for his E7 and that's awesome. I will be less nerve-wracked when the car wash is up and running and we sell the frickin' house. These next couple months are going to be hectic and it's already busy enough w/ little missy.

I just think about the past year, how I left literally almost everything I ever knew and moved down here. I don't' regret a single thing, it was just a hassle getting things ready and that was just me and the dogs--Hannah will make things more interesting, to say the least. And we won't be getting rid of everything like I did back in Ohio. I had a huge yard sale and what I didn't sell, I gave to Goodwill. All my furniture, dishes, TVs, washer / dryer...everything. I didn't need them, Josh had everything brand new and I didn't feel like packing all my crap to haul down here. So my step-mom (Tam) and I packed up my car w/ Bing, Trax, and my clothes and her car w/ my wedding dress and made the trip down here. Best decision of my life--I can't imagine if I had waited the two extra months like I had originally planned. Being 525 miles away from Josh was sucking the life out of me, so I made a snap decision and acted on it. :)

There is not a single day that goes by that I don't thank God for all He has done for us. After all I have been through in my life, all the hardships and abandonment, what I have now is like a reward for it all. I wouldn't change a thing from my past b/c I wouldn't have ended up where I am now and what I have now. I am so blessed.

Motivation

There are different types of motivation--for example, you see your neighbor's grass and think, "Gee, I should probably mow my grass soon". That's lazy motivation. A more upped version of motivation is maybe having a term paper due in 3 days that you've put off for weeks. That's a bit of a frenzied motivation. And then there's a call from the realtor saying people want to view your house in a couple hours when you have crap stuffed everywhere and red mulch strewn all over the driveway and red wax on your carpets. That is what I call spastic-get-it-done-right-now-motivation, which is what Josh and I experienced yesterday.

Our house has been on the market for a week or so and while relatively clean, we still needed to clean out our closets and crap like that to make it look "roomier". I was just heading to take a nap-literally walking in the bedroom-when Josh's phone rang w/ an unfamiliar. I said, "Wouldn't you just crap if someone wanted to come look at the house?" I must be psychic.

Cleaning out our closet (which Josh had cluttered to hell and back w/ his Army crap) consisted of me throwing winter clothes and whatever else into giant lawn and leaf garbage bags. Nice...I will never feel like sorting all that out from the attic. Talk about a big clusterf**k. I will admit our house looks super now as long as no one ventures into our attic.

So we loaded up the dogs and Hannah in our cars and proceeded to drive around. Not much you can do in over 100 degree weather and Bing & Trax aren't exactly welcomed indoors anywhere.

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Hannah decided to sleep for over 5 hours starting around 1700. GREAT. Our attempts to wake her up crashed and didn't work. So of course I tried to lie down at 2230 and she decides it's time to wake up. Wasn't too bad though, she went back to sleep after jammies and a bottle and woke up about 0200. Then she slept until about 0500. Waking up twice a night I can deal w/, but my nap was severely disturbed--oh wait, I didn't get one.

Ahhhh, full body massage last night. Do I have the world's best husband or what? Not only that, but he fixed supper and dessert. I love him. Speaking of, his birthday is in a few days and I got him the dorkiest gift ever. What's even dorkier is the fact that he wanted what I got him. A Rock & Gem book--how to identify them w/ pictures. Hehehe, I always make fun of him--he's forever out back in our woods digging up rocks and bringing them home. Convinced we can make money w/ them on ebay. Um, no. I am not tarnishing my good ratings to list junky rocks. So while full body massages w/ lavender oil will score him brownie points, it will not make me cave and list stupid rocks on ebay.

More rambling & huffiness

I am contemplating if my skin will ever be clear again. At this rate, probably not. Shouldn't those stupid pregnancy hormones be gone that annihilated my skin? I am tired of walking around looking like I'm 14 and not even my Proactive is helping. Dammit!! So people say use Coverup--if the coverup was doing it's job, I wouldn't have to complain so much about it. While I am coming to terms w/ my post-pregnancy body, it's my skin I can't accept. Ugh.

Little missy slept almost all night--Woke up about 0240 and that was pretty much it. I changed her diaper around 0445 and she slept through it, and then she was up about 0710. Thank you God--I needed the sleep (even after my 3 hour nap yesterday). I am hoping Hannah is starting a new trend where she decides she likes to sleep at night vs. screeching and having diaper blowouts in the middle of the night.

Random grrrrrs for the day (and it's only 0900)

1. The neighbor's dog decided to tear open and spread our red mulch for us. Nice thought, but we didn't exactly plan on spreading it in the driveway.

2. People spelling my name wrong, especially family members who have known me for 25+ years.

3. Bing peeing on the one surviving flower out front.

4. 80 degrees at 0715. Need I say more?

5. The mere thought of doing the "touch up" painting and cleaning out our closets. Yuck.

6. Josh throwing fart bombs my way when I'm feeding Hannah and defenseless. He will pay for that.


I really should neutralize that whole pissy section by posting positive things, but eh...it's not as much fun :)

Am I going to be one of those mothers who thinks their child is the prettiest, smartest, funniest, etc.? Probably so. I already think so, hehe! Maybe it's first child syndrome, but I am so in love w/ Hannah and everything she does. I just hope I can see past all the "pretty" stuff and discipline her accordingly when the need be. I bet I'll be better able to do that than Josh--She'll just look at him and pout and he'll bend, I know it. I just know it!

We were both raised similarly in discipline aspects--both of us got our butts spanked and we turned out ok. We'll be butt spankers. There is a difference between butt spanking and abuse--I know some people don't agree w/ the whole spanking thing, but that's their choice. The whole "time-out" crap--yeah good luck w/ that. I think it would work better if parents followed through on their threats instead of placing their kids in time-out w/ a computer, tv, or whatever else is at everyone's fingertips. Not that I'm calling anyone out on that, but I see my mom and my little sibs (11, 10, and 7) and what does NOT work. She's just run ragged and too tired to care about some things and they get away w/ things I could not even have dreamed about. And why do they walk all over her and behave when I have them? B/c they know I don't tolerate the crap they put mom through. That's my theory.

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since I had Hannah and you know what I really miss? Sex. Yeah, I'm tired, but who isn't? I really, really miss it. It will be so weird to worry about getting pregnant--we never used precautions before, hence Hannah being born a couple weeks before our first wedding anniversary :) I'm more nervous about it than I was about giving birth--honestly. And thank goodness she was only 6-2. I can't fathom anything bigger fitting through there. *Shudder* One stitch is enough for me, thankyouverymuch.

I think about Hannah growing up and it makes me sad--I just want her to get big enough to sleep through the night (is that selfish, or what?). I dont' want to think about her going to school or driving or dating--no way! I just pray she has more sense in her head than I did. I want her to have WAY less regrets than I do. And Josh and I joke about what we would do if she ever pulled a "stunt" like we did--Engaged w/in 2 months, married 2 months after that. I think I would have a heart attack, but Josh says "We knew right away, if it's like that for Hannah and whoever she's w/, we don't have room to talk".

True, but it's different (how, I don't know, but it feels right to say that). I still can't believe everything happened so fast, yet it feels like we've been together forever (in a good way). Who would've thought those eHarmony commercials are true?

Like a Virgin

My first blog, stepping into unknown territory here. We'll see how it goes :) It's hard enough getting time for a shower, let alone taking time to type out my life these days.

It is amazing the super powers I've developed in the last 26 days--I guess being a mom does that. I can hear, see, sense, and smell like never before. Yeah, the smelling I could do without but it comes with the territory :)

There were times in my life when I felt complete, swore that I couldn't feel any more happiness then I did at that certain time and then BAM*** Hannah was born and blew that notion away. How can such a tiny little baby completely steal my heart & soul? Every time I look at her, think of her, hear her...I am simply overcome w/ emotion. Makes me think about all the times my own mother said, "You'll know what I mean one of these days, just wait until you're a mother". So in typical fashion, I blew it off. I will never, of course, let her know she was right about it :)

Josh and I are blessed in so many ways. I could not ask for a better or more loving husband. I feel bad for women who seem so unhappy w/ their partners (husbands, BFs, etc) but so grateful that I have nothing bad to say about Josh. He is truly my rock and I can't imagine going through this new adventure w/out him. He is such a super daddy and is already wrapped around Hannah's little finger. I hope she doesn't figure that out for a while! I love to watch them together and listen to him sing to her--he makes up his own songs, which he dubs his "Platinum Hits"--will never get a record deal for them, but jeez, they are hilarious and Hannah loves them!

This mommyhood thing is not glamorous by any means. Jeesh, it's all I can do to jump in the shower before Josh gets home from work and I am living in my old gym shorts and tshirts--but I've never had someone so important to take care of before. My crowning achievement a couple days ago was fitting into my pre-pregnancy shorts. Granted, there is only 2 pair I can get in and look decent, but hey, it's better than nothing. I love the fact I can fit back in my favorite jeans. Maybe not important to some people, but it makes me feel better about myself since I've been slobbing around so much. Josh tells me I'm beautiful no matter what and tells me every day. What more could I ask for? It's meaningful b/c he sincerely means it--doesnt' care that my hair is greasy, my face is broke out, I have spit up running down my shirt and am sporting hairy legs...thank you, Lord, for Joshua and all that he is to me.

This is the hardest job, hands down, I've ever had. I have had difficult times in nursing before but nothing compares to being a mom. I am staying at home for a while before going back to work (not working until we move to Indiana) because I don't want to give it up. Definitely don't want to do full time, but part time would be nice somewhere.

OH, and Bing and Trax...wow. I feel bad b/c they don't get attention like they used to, but we try. It's just SO hard and they don't understand. I know they feel slighted and even when we want to walk them it's 100 frickin' degrees at 2030. I hate SC, have I mentioned that? I hate the weather and the property taxes and the fire ants and the lack of grass. Whew. I cannot wait to move back North. I love it just being Josh, Hannah, and I--no family to deal with (that sounds bad, doesn't it?). I know it is important for Hannah to grow up around some family though, so in a sense I am looking forward to that, it will just be hard b/c it won't just be "us" anymore. I am thankful we've had our first year alone, a lot of people don't get that.