Last night

Last night was no picnic. At least the screeching started at 2000 instead of 1900. I just bawled and bawled after Josh went to bed (had to get up early for work). I tried rocking her, walking w/ her, talking to her, frickin' everything. Everything that works for every other baby does NOT work w/ ours. She likes her swing for about 0.25 seconds and her vibratey chair? Forget that.

For the first time in my life, I feel completely and utterly incompetent. This is the one thing I wanted more than anything--to be a mother. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I feel like I"m spiraling downward and not able to rebound. What are we going to do if this Prevacid doesn't work? Because it is seriously not doing a damn thing. I am tired of giving my baby Maalox, but it's the only thing that seems to soothe her for a bit.

Ack. I don't think I'm cut out for this mothering business. I truly, at this point in my life, do not want any more children. I can't handle it.

And yet this morning when she woke up (after giving me a total of 3 hours sleep), she just smiled and snuggled up on me. It almost erases the horrors of the screeching, almost. I lie down, I hear screeching. I take a shower, I hear screeching...and yet she's quiet. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard--a sound you can't get out of your head no matter how hard you try.

Josh's TDY was taken away, so we don't get to go home the last week of September. That blows, I was really looking forward to getting out of this hellhole for a week. Plus I was selfishly thinking that we would have a break for a couple hours a day w/ Hannah. I feel horrible even thinking that.